Basic Laws of the Known Universe

Forget relativity, the Big Bang theory, or the Higgs boson…. these are the universal laws that really matter!

Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Hartman’s Automotive Laws:
1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

Law of Annoyance:
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you’re certain you’re finished with, you will need it instantly.

Borrower’s Law:
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

Rule for Determining Old Age:
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Corollary of Inverse Distances:
The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Butler‘s Law of Progress:
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

Law of Menu Language:
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.

Checkbook Balancer’s Law:
In matters of dispute, the bank’s balance is always smaller than yours.

Laws of Bus Transportation:
1. The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
2. The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.
3. The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
4. Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.
5. Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.

Service Tech’s Theorem:
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Law of Practical Aeronautics:
When the weight of the design paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.

Checkout Line Law:
The other line moves faster.
Corollary: Don’t try to change lines. The other line — the one you were in originally — will then move faster.

Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Laws of Purchasing:
1. If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
2. A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Rule of Discontinuance:
If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
Corollary: If it’s really good, they stopped making it last week.

Johnson’s First Law of Social Interaction:
If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.

Johnson’s Publishing Theory:
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue containing the article, story, or installment you were most anxious to read.
Corollary: All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.

Johnson’s First Law of Auto Repair:
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle’s exact geographic center.

Mills’s Law of Transportation Logistics:
The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight.
Corollaries:
1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight.
2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way.

MIST Law (Man In The Street):
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Preudhomme’s Law of Window Cleaning:
It’s on the other side.

Ralph’s Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Law of Reruns:
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Hellrung’s Law
If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson’s Extension: … having done its damage.)   [Grelb’s Addition: … if it was bad, it will be back.]